Dearest Phil,

I am truly sorry.  I have failed you.  I have failed the American public.  But perhaps most importantly, I have failed my dear parents who have doted on me, lo these many years, with the fondness of a tender gorilla caring for a fragile kitten.  I know that they have paid rapt attention to these missives of mine, going so far as to miss reruns of “Diagnosis Murder” when necessary.  And in the past week, I have only given them silent, deadly silence.  Mom, Dad: please forgive me.  And please forgive Phil Collins, who I’m sure is very busy at this time of year juggling holiday celebrations with multiple families across several nations and can’t be expected to keep me updated on his every move (although I sure wish he would).

At times like this, I must remind us all (especially myself) of how horrible things could be in this country, and how grateful we should feel no matter what our current position in life, at home, or in our jobs, or our status at the country club.  When you think what life must be like in war-torn Micronesia this Christmas, remember what a great man (Bono) once said: “Well, tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you.” 

I think that pretty much sums it up.

Stay tuned, there are more videos to come, and assuming nothing tragic occurs over the holidays, hopefully more letters (at last!) as well.

Happy Holidays,


Whatup Phil,

Sorry I’ve been so quiet, what with the holiday planning, the new baby, and the insatiable hunger for my body that disease seems to have.  I haven’t felt well since October 17, which by my count is at least several days ago.  I tried going to the doctor (about 5 weeks later than I should have) who, unfortunately, turned out to be a bit of a jerk.  He pretty much rolled his eyes and made that “world’s tiniest violin playing” motion with his fingers.  He did give me some antibiotics and some junk to spray up my nose, and I left him with a few pints of blood which, as of yet, he doesn’t appear to have done anything with.  Will I start feeling better in a few days, or will I slowly fade into nothingness?  At the very least I feel like they owe me a freebie if I have to go in for a follow-up.

I’m sorry to be so whiny when there’s war, fires, earthquakes, writer’s strikes, and other important stuff going on, but I’m so completely out of energy that I feel like I’ll be crawling across the finish line (if I ever even make it there).  It’d be nice to, you know, go out and have some fun at least once this month.


Hope you’re doing better than I am!

Hopelessly Yours,


Dear Phil Collins,

I know it’s probably too late to get you into the one they’re making now, but what are the chances you won’t be approached to appear in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?”  I mean, pretty much every great British actor has appeared in at least one of these things.  It would be super awesome if they cast you as Grindelwald, the dark wizard and notoriously gay lover of teenage Dumbledore. 

I’m not crazy about you playing a bad guy, but that’s pretty much the only major role left that I can think of, and I’d hate to see you relegated to a measly background character or goblin.  Plus you’d get to wear a long, curly blonde wig which sounds like fun, doesn’t it?  The movie isn’t slated to come out unitl 2010 but you should get your agent on this immediately!  Don’t be a “Squib!”  Ha ha!

Signed (and sent by Owl),

Your “Muggle” Fan (who in no way resembles the character of Harry Potter or the actor Daniel Radcliffe whatsoever, thankyouverymuch)