Dear Phil Collins,

I was simply stunned recently by the image of you drumming for a HEAVY METAL band. Who ever would’ve thought that the illustrious Phil Collins would get behind the skins for Ozzy Osbourne and Tony Iommi of Black Sabbath? I sure didn’t, but if it made the Queen happy on her Golden Jubilee, then you should probably be congratulated for your patriotic sacrifice.  You’re welcome, Queen E!

It got me to thinking, though. Maybe you could stand to learn a thing or two from Mr. Osbourne. He’s had an incredibly successful “third act” in his career thanks to the reality television program “The Osbournes.” I bet you could really get back in the public eye again by doing something similar, although you could use a Sharon and kids with funny hair. If you don’t like that idea, how about becoming a judge on a television talent show? Sort of like a cross between Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul only more talented and less cranky.

Think about it.

Trying To Help,

Your Fan.


Dear Phil Collins,

Thinking about love yesterday reminds me what a great love song writer you are.  Not just the beautiful ballads like “Against All Odds” but songs that totally rock like “Sussudio.”  I still don’t understand how you had a number one hit record with a song about a made-up word, but that just proves how incredibly awesome you are. 

For a long time I wondered what a Sussudio was until I heard that you said it was supposed to be a girl’s name.  But I don’t know any girls named Sussudio, or horses.  I’m thinking that you’re probably too clever to reveal your true intent with this song, which is that Sussudio is the sound you make when you’re in love.  I can’t think of anything cooler than giving an emotion a sound.  Isn’t that what music’s supposed to do?  Make sounds from our emotions?  But I get why you’d want to keep that to yourself.  A man’s gotta have his bag of tricks when it comes to the ladies!

I hope you don’ t mind, but I want to say “Su-su-sussudio” the next time I engage in the love act.  I’ll whisper it in my own head so she doesn’t hear, that way it’ll just be a secret between you and me.  Wish me luck!

With Love,

Your budding Casanova of a Fan

P.S. I don’t think you ripped off Prince at all, not like the way Ray Parker, Jr. ripped off Huey Lewis (and The News).