October 2007

Dear Phil Collins,

I’m just full of advice for you, Phil!  Discussing your cover of the Beatles’ “Tomorrow Never Knows” on your first solo album “Face Value” led me to thinking about all those great cover albums people are doing these days.  Like Michael McDonald’s “Motown” series, Mark Kozelek’s “Tiny Cities,” Babyface’s new “Playlist,” and Mandy Moore’s beloved “Coverage.”  You should do that!  I’m thinking an all-Tropicalia album, contemporary electro (I bet you could really liven up some Peaches tracks with the Earth, Wind, and Fire  horns!), Miami Bass (it’s time for a comeback!), or maybe that Crunk Juice the kids keep talking about.  Sky’s the limit!  I think this could be a huge hit for you.  Rod Stewart is churning out “Great American Songbooks” faster than people can buy them, but I think people are more likely to take you as seriously as you deserve to be.  Especially once they realize what a great R&B singer you can be.

If you cover, they will buy.

Always on your mind (I hope!),

Your Fan.


Dear Phil Collins,

Somehow last week’s video post made it through our Snark filter, and for that I owe you my most humble apologies. This site is meant to celebrate and adore you, not criticize, belittle, or berate. Unfortunately we missed the fact that one of our authors is clearly better off at Haystack.com or some such outlet for the bitter and tragically hip. He has been duly sacked, and we shall strive to purge our staff of similar ne’r-do-wells, insurgents, and the otherwise undesirable. A hot startup such as ourselves must expect some bumps on the way to the top, which we will endeavor to squash, stamp, mow down, smooth out, etc. etc.

Certainly, fans of “Calling All Stations” will no longer be hired.

Thank you for your continuing patience, signed,

Jonathan Casey, Founder and General Manager, Dear Phil Ltd.

Apparently in honor of the aforementioned Phil Collins reference on “Lost,” some enterprising fan has created a Kate and Sawyer make-out montage set to Phil Collins’s “You’ll Be In My Heart.”  Don’t remember that song?  That’s because it’s from the soundtrack to the 1999 animated Disney film “Tarzan.”  Yes, apparently Tarzan needed a love theme.  It’s Phil at his truly treacly worst.   

I don’t understand who these people are with nothing better to do than create montages of their favorite TV show. There are also a small fortune of “Lost” love montages set to “Against All Odds”: Jack and Kate, Charlie and Claire, Penny and Desmond. If I had the time I’d make one for Walt and Vincent.  Or the love-rhombus of Locke and Boone and Shannon and Sayid.

Dear Phil Collins,

You keeping telling me you’re gonna help me.  You’re gonna help me.  But you don’t.

WHY WON’T YOU WRITE TO ME PHIL????!!!!!???????

Crumbling, but still

Your Fan.

Dear Phil Collins,

Sometimes I feel like I talk about myself so much in these letters that I forget about what’s important.  Namely, you: Phil Collins.  How are you doing?  What’ve you been up to?  I wonder what you had to eat today.  How do you like your eggs?  I want to make breakfast for you.

I’m….I’m sorry.  I got carried away again.  You’re just so real to me that I wish I could reach into my stereo speakers and touch your head.  But I’ll have to settle for this correspondence.  Please write back to me.  Please.  Soon.

Yours always,

The Fan.

Dear Phil Collins,

Tough to catch a break these days, isn’t it?  I work in a public library, so I am constantly dismayed by the way we’re portrayed in the media (just last week libraries got slagged on “Heroes“).  But Phil, not even your fantabulous career record is sacrosanct!  I was rewatching some episodes of “Lost” recently and this exchanged leapt out at me:

 [At camp, Kate is washing the back of her neck with water from the
trough. Sawyer approaches, and hands her a cassette tape]
KATE: What’s this?
SAWYER: Your mix tape.
[Kate laughs]
SAWYER: Well you gonna take it or ain’t ya?
[Kate does so]
KATE: The best of Phil Collins huh.
SAWYER: Don’t get picky. And if Bernard asks, I don’t know a thing about it.
KATE: Thanks, James.

“Don’t get picky”????!!!!!????  Are you kidding?  Just goes to show that the brilliant manipulative geniuses behind the mysteries of “Lost” don’t know everything.  Certainly there’s no accounting for taste.  I mean, Three Dog Night?  Really?

It’s just exhausting.

Standing by my man,

Phil’s Phan.

P.S. If you don’t watch “Lost” for some reason, please don’t ask me to explain who Kate, Sawyer, and Bernard are, you’d probably stop accepting my letters there’d be so many of them!

Dear Phil Collins,

Oh, I’m so behind on everything.  Phil, I became dreadfully ill last week and missed work and couldn’t get anything done at home either.  It went a little something like this:

(1) Tossing and turning, notice sore throat I didn’t used to have.

(2) Wake up with head full of mucous, terrible headache, sore throat, fever.  No cough!

(3) Stay home from work, rest.

(4) Wonder where all that blood is coming from.

(5) Clammy, woozy, barely conscious.

(6) Head hurts much, much worse, can’t read or watch daytime TV.

(7) Stomach hurts from all the pain.  Can’t eat.  Ibuprofen not working.

(8) Recieve much-needed care package of medicines.

(9) Can barely choke down dinner.  Hours pass before nausea lifts.

(10) Acetaminophen seems to be helping my head. 

(11) Days pass, not doing much better.  Taking Comtrex, acetaminophen, NyQuil.  Using humidifier to keep air moist.  Herbal tea, juice, water.

(12) Coughing now.  Great. 

(13)  Epicenter seems to have moved from my head to my chest, now using steroid inhaler and Delsym 12-hour cough medicine.

(14) Return to work, even though I can barely speak and my head is so stuffed that my hearing is impaired.  Wondering if I should’ve gone to doctor. 

Has this ever happened to you, Phil?  I believe I have the influenza which there isn’t really anything else you can do for, but I hate being so dysfunctional.  I wish I could get a whole week of bedrest.  Can you talk to some people for me? 

Thanks a million,

Your Bedraggled Fan

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