November 2007


Dear Phil Collins,

I know it’s probably too late to get you into the one they’re making now, but what are the chances you won’t be approached to appear in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?”  I mean, pretty much every great British actor has appeared in at least one of these things.  It would be super awesome if they cast you as Grindelwald, the dark wizard and notoriously gay lover of teenage Dumbledore. 

I’m not crazy about you playing a bad guy, but that’s pretty much the only major role left that I can think of, and I’d hate to see you relegated to a measly background character or goblin.  Plus you’d get to wear a long, curly blonde wig which sounds like fun, doesn’t it?  The movie isn’t slated to come out unitl 2010 but you should get your agent on this immediately!  Don’t be a “Squib!”  Ha ha!

Signed (and sent by Owl),

Your “Muggle” Fan (who in no way resembles the character of Harry Potter or the actor Daniel Radcliffe whatsoever, thankyouverymuch)

Sorry Phil,

I’ve been so wrapped up in my new cat that I haven’t had any time to write to you! Rest assured, I have locked the cat in a room and am spinning “No Jacket Required” at moderate to loud volume 12 hours a day to help indoctrinate him. Soon he will be just like a part of the family. He needs a name, though. Phil Jr.? Lil’ Phil? Philly Cheesesteak?

Thanks for your patience during this period of transition.


P.S. He’s not really a baby he’s more like a teenager, but cat teenagers are way better than human ones.

Dear Phil Collins,

Do you disapprove the consumption of gelatin-based dessert treats?  I’m curious because I’m often tempted by various Jell-O molds and cakes during the holidays and I wouldn’t want to eat something that would offend you.  I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship so early on!

I hope you’ll be enjoying a piping-hot, socially-conscious Celebration Roast this year.  I can’t promise I’ll be adopting any ostriches, but I guarantee I won’t eat any!

Have a good Thanksgiving, 

Your Fan. 

Hello Jonathan,

It’s so good to hear that you’re planning to add a new animal companion to your home.  I am currently fathering over three dozen species on my palatial Swiss estate and, I can tell you, there’s no feeling like it in the world.  If I may offer a suggestion, Ostriches are particularly well-suited to your climate and make excellent gifts.  Consider rescuing a needy ostrich in your area this holiday season.

Buon Natale,


Dear Phil Collins,

I don’t know what could be a better gift than opening up communications with you personally, this is such a treat.  Sadly, there is still more than a month to go before Christmas and I’d hate to have nothing to look forward to.  Normally I go nuts picking out gifts for my friends and family, but we’re really scaling back this year.  I’d blame the economy but it’s probably all the sweet stuff I’ve bought for myself this year that’s the cause.  Good hi-fi equipment makes listening to Phil Collins so much more pleasurable, though, so I’m sure you can understand where I’m coming from.  In 2007 Phil comes first!

Anyway, my partner and I are looking at getting a new cat, so that’s kind of like our big present for each other.  I fell in love with this furry little guy named Austin.  He was kind of skittish at first but then crawled right into my lap and I was immediately smitten.  He seems about the right age, but he had claws and I don’t think we’re in a position to take a cat with front claws right now, unfortunately.  So I’m super bummed. 

There are so many great cats out there though that I’m sure we’ll find a good one.  Miya seems really nice but she’s been sick recently and we’re not sure if that’s something we can take on right now.  Some of the other declawed cats we’ve found aren’t necessarily good with other cats, which is another problem.  Otter (great name!), for example, hasn’t lived with animals.  Same deal with Lotus

I’m gettin’ all choked up thinking about these homeless cats.  Better sign off for now.  Send me your e-mail address if you want to be able to get my letters quicker.


Your Cat-Lovin’ Fan

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