Sorry Phil,

I’ve been so wrapped up in my new cat that I haven’t had any time to write to you! Rest assured, I have locked the cat in a room and am spinning “No Jacket Required” at moderate to loud volume 12 hours a day to help indoctrinate him. Soon he will be just like a part of the family. He needs a name, though. Phil Jr.? Lil’ Phil? Philly Cheesesteak?

Thanks for your patience during this period of transition.


P.S. He’s not really a baby he’s more like a teenager, but cat teenagers are way better than human ones.


Dear Phil Collins,

Do you disapprove the consumption of gelatin-based dessert treats?  I’m curious because I’m often tempted by various Jell-O molds and cakes during the holidays and I wouldn’t want to eat something that would offend you.  I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship so early on!

I hope you’ll be enjoying a piping-hot, socially-conscious Celebration Roast this year.  I can’t promise I’ll be adopting any ostriches, but I guarantee I won’t eat any!

Have a good Thanksgiving, 

Your Fan. 

Hello Jonathan,

It’s so good to hear that you’re planning to add a new animal companion to your home.  I am currently fathering over three dozen species on my palatial Swiss estate and, I can tell you, there’s no feeling like it in the world.  If I may offer a suggestion, Ostriches are particularly well-suited to your climate and make excellent gifts.  Consider rescuing a needy ostrich in your area this holiday season.

Buon Natale,


Dear Phil Collins,

I don’t know what could be a better gift than opening up communications with you personally, this is such a treat.  Sadly, there is still more than a month to go before Christmas and I’d hate to have nothing to look forward to.  Normally I go nuts picking out gifts for my friends and family, but we’re really scaling back this year.  I’d blame the economy but it’s probably all the sweet stuff I’ve bought for myself this year that’s the cause.  Good hi-fi equipment makes listening to Phil Collins so much more pleasurable, though, so I’m sure you can understand where I’m coming from.  In 2007 Phil comes first!

Anyway, my partner and I are looking at getting a new cat, so that’s kind of like our big present for each other.  I fell in love with this furry little guy named Austin.  He was kind of skittish at first but then crawled right into my lap and I was immediately smitten.  He seems about the right age, but he had claws and I don’t think we’re in a position to take a cat with front claws right now, unfortunately.  So I’m super bummed. 

There are so many great cats out there though that I’m sure we’ll find a good one.  Miya seems really nice but she’s been sick recently and we’re not sure if that’s something we can take on right now.  Some of the other declawed cats we’ve found aren’t necessarily good with other cats, which is another problem.  Otter (great name!), for example, hasn’t lived with animals.  Same deal with Lotus

I’m gettin’ all choked up thinking about these homeless cats.  Better sign off for now.  Send me your e-mail address if you want to be able to get my letters quicker.


Your Cat-Lovin’ Fan

Dear Jonathan,

Thank you for all your kind words.  Only recently has your copious correspondence been brought to my attention.  Due to the high volume of fan mail I receive daily, a modest facility in Swindon has been established to handle and process all incoming.  Staffed by 307 war widows and invalids, it is quite infrequent that specific bits of mail are brought to my personal attention.  Somehow your letters made their way through middle management to upper-middle management to a minor record label executive to my tour manager and finally to my accountant, who saw fit to stash them inside a portfolio I recently found stuffed in my Swiss post office box.  Needless to say I am quite thrilled by your abundant enthusiasm and interest in my personal well being. 

To make up for lost time, here are a few quick answers to your more pressing inquiries:

(1) Yes.

(2) Perhaps, I’ll think about it.

(3) Maybe.

(4) A lovely gold heart-shaped pendant.

(5) Absolutely not.

(6) I’ll talk to my people and get back to you.

(7) Fourteen and a half.

(8) No.

Please keep in touch.  Someone has spoken to the foreman and it is hoped that your letters and packages will be expedited to my door.  I look forward to communicating with you at length about some of your fascinating ideas.



Hey, Phil,

Just wanted to update you on dinner with my mom last weekend.  We went to Amore Victoria, an Italian place which didn’t turn out to be half-bad!  I had a crab, potato, and “cheese” stuffed Salmon which came with some delightfully striped ravioli and a few asparagus.  It was creamy but actually really good.  I also had some kind of mango-custard tart thingy for dessert.  The Linguini Cappe Sante turned out to be not so great, but in general I’d say our service and most of the food was much better than I was expecting. 

My father got my mother a fancy necklace (the packaging of which was so dee-luxe that I thought it was some sort of snakeskin handpurse, which seemed like a poorly-chosen gift) so we bought dinner as our “gift” (plus a silly card).  My mother had brought a $10 gift card for the place with her so we ended up buying her a discount birthday dinner, in truly childlike fashion (what is this, Mother’s Day?).  Oh, well.

Nice chattin’ with ya!  My mom says “hi!”