Dear Phil Collins,

Do you disapprove the consumption of gelatin-based dessert treats?  I’m curious because I’m often tempted by various Jell-O molds and cakes during the holidays and I wouldn’t want to eat something that would offend you.  I don’t want to jeopardize our relationship so early on!

I hope you’ll be enjoying a piping-hot, socially-conscious Celebration Roast this year.  I can’t promise I’ll be adopting any ostriches, but I guarantee I won’t eat any!

Have a good Thanksgiving, 

Your Fan. 


Hey, Phil,

Just wanted to update you on dinner with my mom last weekend.  We went to Amore Victoria, an Italian place which didn’t turn out to be half-bad!  I had a crab, potato, and “cheese” stuffed Salmon which came with some delightfully striped ravioli and a few asparagus.  It was creamy but actually really good.  I also had some kind of mango-custard tart thingy for dessert.  The Linguini Cappe Sante turned out to be not so great, but in general I’d say our service and most of the food was much better than I was expecting. 

My father got my mother a fancy necklace (the packaging of which was so dee-luxe that I thought it was some sort of snakeskin handpurse, which seemed like a poorly-chosen gift) so we bought dinner as our “gift” (plus a silly card).  My mother had brought a $10 gift card for the place with her so we ended up buying her a discount birthday dinner, in truly childlike fashion (what is this, Mother’s Day?).  Oh, well.

Nice chattin’ with ya!  My mom says “hi!” 

Dear Phil Collins,

I suspect from your silence that you are not enthused about the TV idea.  Okay, fine, but I think you’re reaching a point where you need to branch out in order to maintain your comfortable lifestyle.  Celebrities are doing all kinds of things these days besides acting and singing, like putting their names on perfume bottles.   But for you I’m thinking quality food products, along the lines of Paul Newman’s “Newman’s Own” or Sammy Hagar brand tequila.   How about “Phil’s Hot Dumplings” or “Phil’s Favorite Microwavable BLT (In A Bowl)”?  You might prefer a more upscale approach, such as a line of gourmet Phil Collins organic vegetable broths.  How about fruit salad?  Everybody loves to eat fresh fruit but no one likes to cut it all up.  Especially pineapples.

You have to think about your future, Phil, you might not be of a mind to tour forever.

On A Suggestive Roll,

Your Fan.