Dear Phil Collins,

I can tell you’re mad.  I’ve been waiting for a new letter from you but your silence speaks volumes, or at least virtual paragraphs.  I’m sorry, Phil.  I know you’re probably exhausted right now since you wrapped your U.S. tour, but I think now is the perfect time to reach out to the many fans who did not have the opportunity to connect with you at a live concert.  Such as myself.

Maybe you didn’t have a chance to read my recent letters, but I suspect that you did, and you didn’t like what you saw, or thought you saw, or heard, or smelled, or maybe thought you smelled.  For that I am sorry. 

Phil, I would do anything to get back on your good side, just let me know what you need.  And if, somehow, in making up with me, that included a signed glossy photograph of yourself, well, that would be okay, too.

But honestly, I understand if it’s too early to start thinking about your next move, you probably want to take the next few months off to enjoy the holidays with whatever family you have left.  I get that.  But when you’re ready to take that next step, I’ll be right here, waiting for you.  Welcoming.  Supportive.  Eager.

In the meantime, I’m going to listen to your song “Misunderstanding” a lot of times, because that’s kind of how I feel right now.

Take care,

Still Your Fan.


Dear Phil Collins,

I just have to stop for a moment and say “woah.”  I know I’ve been complaining a lot that the Genesis tour isn’t coming to Minnesota, but I’ve got to put things into perspective and give you guys some credit.  I mean, it is amazing that you brave British lads are touring this war torn, disaster-ravaged nation of America.  A nation, these United States of ours, which is currently ruled by an administration that views your fellow countryman Cat Stevens as a credible threat.  Cat Stevens!  The guy who sang “Peace Train!”  I mean, seriously.  It’s a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world, ain’t it?  Maybe it’s time for you guys to make another cutting political commentary with puppets.  Knock some sense back into us!

Thank you for coming to our country to spread your message of love and hope.  Just watch your backs, okay?

Keeping The Fire,

Your Admiring Fan.

Dear Phil Collins,

I suspect from your silence that you are not enthused about the TV idea.  Okay, fine, but I think you’re reaching a point where you need to branch out in order to maintain your comfortable lifestyle.  Celebrities are doing all kinds of things these days besides acting and singing, like putting their names on perfume bottles.   But for you I’m thinking quality food products, along the lines of Paul Newman’s “Newman’s Own” or Sammy Hagar brand tequila.   How about “Phil’s Hot Dumplings” or “Phil’s Favorite Microwavable BLT (In A Bowl)”?  You might prefer a more upscale approach, such as a line of gourmet Phil Collins organic vegetable broths.  How about fruit salad?  Everybody loves to eat fresh fruit but no one likes to cut it all up.  Especially pineapples.

You have to think about your future, Phil, you might not be of a mind to tour forever.

On A Suggestive Roll,

Your Fan.

Dear Phil Collins,

OMG!  I have been in complete shock since I got your letter last week.  I read it and re-read it over and over again until my thumbs bled.  And then right after I found out you’re releasing a Genesis 2007 Reunion Tour video!!!!  In hi-def!!!!!!!!!!!!  AAAAAARRRRRRGHHH!!!!!!!!!

As you can tell, I am quite excited about all of this.  Keep up the good work!

Rocking Out With More Resolution,

Your Ecstatic Fan.

P.S. I am already buying copies of “Turn It On Again: The Tour Edition” for all of my friends and family for Christmas.  If I can swing it, I’ll get my co-workers some, too.

Dear Fan,

Thank you for your recent correspondence.  Though I am unable to reply to every individual fan letter I recieve, I wish to thank you for your kind words.  I am also pleased to announce the release of the Genesis hits collection “Turn It On Again: The Tour Edition,” available at your American Target stores.  Please purchase as many copies as you possibly can.

Best Wishes,

Philip David Charles Collins, Esq.

Dear Phil Collins,

Have you heard of this band Of Montreal?  They’re, like, these nobodys from Canada who seem to come to my town every three months.  The only reason anyone’s even heard of them is because they did a TV commercial for meat.  If these losers can tour so much then why can’t Genesis come to Minnesota?  I know you’re probably putting on a huge show with giant puppets and lights and stuff but it’s not that hard to get here from Chicago, and we have at least two venues that are probably big enough to hold you and your legions of adoring fans.  Tony Banks’ sullen glare just doesn’t come across on video the way it does from 200 rows back.

Pretty please?


Your Upper Midwestern Fan

Dear Phil,

Because I am too lazy or too poor (or some combination thereof) to see the Genesis reunion concert in Chicago, I must appeal to your delicate sense of vanity and beg that you record this tour in the most highest definition currently possible (I think it ends with the letter “p”) and release a most awesome concert video on any and every available recorded high-definition visual medium. I would pay nearly $40 to own such a thing and enjoy it in the comfort of my own modest rental unit. Please do it. All kinds of crappy bands that come to town twice a year put out DVDs, so you really should consider commemorating this glorious event if for no other reason than to outdo those Okie bastards in the Flaming Lips.

Sincerely Yours,

A Fan