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Dear Phil Collins,

I was simply stunned recently by the image of you drumming for a HEAVY METAL band. Who ever would’ve thought that the illustrious Phil Collins would get behind the skins for Ozzy Osbourne and Tony Iommi of Black Sabbath? I sure didn’t, but if it made the Queen happy on her Golden Jubilee, then you should probably be congratulated for your patriotic sacrifice.  You’re welcome, Queen E!

It got me to thinking, though. Maybe you could stand to learn a thing or two from Mr. Osbourne. He’s had an incredibly successful “third act” in his career thanks to the reality television program “The Osbournes.” I bet you could really get back in the public eye again by doing something similar, although you could use a Sharon and kids with funny hair. If you don’t like that idea, how about becoming a judge on a television talent show? Sort of like a cross between Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul only more talented and less cranky.

Think about it.

Trying To Help,

Your Fan.

Dear Phil Collins,

I’m sorry that I kind of had a meltdown at you yesterday.  It be’s that way sometime.  But you probably understand what it’s like to get fed up with a job — I mean, you’ve done all kinds of stuff like movies and charity work in addition to your solo pop career and that band Genesis which breaks up and reforms a lot.  I think it’s really cool that you’re a famous singer who plays piano and stuff, but that you used to be a pro drummer.  My friend Johnny says you should never let the drummer sing, but I think he’s wrong.  Levon Helm gets all kinds of hipster cred from rock critics even though you’re obviously way better looking than him.  Also, what’s more hipster-y than playing drums for Brian Eno?  I can’t think of anything.  I don’t mean to say that you’re not a good singer, but I suspect your many other incredible talents sometimes get overlooked by the MSM.

I also like your sense of humor.

Thanks for listening, I guess I don’t really have a question for you today, but it’s nice to know you’re there for me.  Stay solid.

Inevitably,

Your Fan.