Dear Phil Collins,
I know it’s probably too late to get you into the one they’re making now, but what are the chances you won’t be approached to appear in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?” I mean, pretty much every great British actor has appeared in at least one of these things. It would be super awesome if they cast you as Grindelwald, the dark wizard and notoriously gay lover of teenage Dumbledore.
I’m not crazy about you playing a bad guy, but that’s pretty much the only major role left that I can think of, and I’d hate to see you relegated to a measly background character or goblin. Plus you’d get to wear a long, curly blonde wig which sounds like fun, doesn’t it? The movie isn’t slated to come out unitl 2010 but you should get your agent on this immediately! Don’t be a “Squib!” Ha ha!
Signed (and sent by Owl),
Your “Muggle” Fan (who in no way resembles the character of Harry Potter or the actor Daniel Radcliffe whatsoever, thankyouverymuch)