September 2007


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Dear Phil Collins,

Have you heard of this band Of Montreal?  They’re, like, these nobodys from Canada who seem to come to my town every three months.  The only reason anyone’s even heard of them is because they did a TV commercial for meat.  If these losers can tour so much then why can’t Genesis come to Minnesota?  I know you’re probably putting on a huge show with giant puppets and lights and stuff but it’s not that hard to get here from Chicago, and we have at least two venues that are probably big enough to hold you and your legions of adoring fans.  Tony Banks’ sullen glare just doesn’t come across on video the way it does from 200 rows back.

Pretty please?

Longingly,

Your Upper Midwestern Fan

Dear Phil Collins,

Man, how come your name never comes up when people talk about blue-eyed soul?  Van Morrison and Rod Stewart got nuffin’ on you.   I remember hearing “You Can’t Hurry Love” when I was young and it was like the Supremes never existed!  I know you probably don’t want to get pigeonholed but that’s just another way the Man is keeping you down — you’ve got to get your propers. 

Oh, and I know how some people think it’s uncool to like your later stuff, but like the song “Two Hearts” that you did is another totally awesome R&B number.  To the haters out there, I say “step off” because you know what?  Phil wrote that song with none other than Lamont Dozier, of Holland-Dozier-Holland fame.  You know, those guys the Magnetic Fields “name dropped” in their song “The Death of Franz Ferdinand”?  That’s, as they say, “the real deal.”  You go, Phil.

So Into You,

Green-Eyed Fan.

Dear Phil Collins,

I’m sorry that I kind of had a meltdown at you yesterday.  It be’s that way sometime.  But you probably understand what it’s like to get fed up with a job — I mean, you’ve done all kinds of stuff like movies and charity work in addition to your solo pop career and that band Genesis which breaks up and reforms a lot.  I think it’s really cool that you’re a famous singer who plays piano and stuff, but that you used to be a pro drummer.  My friend Johnny says you should never let the drummer sing, but I think he’s wrong.  Levon Helm gets all kinds of hipster cred from rock critics even though you’re obviously way better looking than him.  Also, what’s more hipster-y than playing drums for Brian Eno?  I can’t think of anything.  I don’t mean to say that you’re not a good singer, but I suspect your many other incredible talents sometimes get overlooked by the MSM.

I also like your sense of humor.

Thanks for listening, I guess I don’t really have a question for you today, but it’s nice to know you’re there for me.  Stay solid.

Inevitably,

Your Fan.

Dear Phil Collins,

Sometimes my job makes me feel like a crazy person!  Management is like a load on my back — there’s too many of them, and they’re making too many problems.  I get more responsibility piled on me, with no increase in pay, and nary an accolade.  As a result I’m increasingly exhausted and confused — it’s got me so that I just can’t sleep.  I don’t have the energy to make use of what little creativity I have left, and I need to escape before they suck that last drop out of me.  Phil, I’ll do anything, anything, if you’ll just help get me out of here. 

Urgently Yours,

A Fan.

Dear Phil Collins,

My friends and I witnessed a most unusual befurred creature last summer at the lake and I’m wondering if you know what it is:

Beavskratter

I realize you may not be intimately familiar with the fauna of the upper midwestern United States , but I think our climates are somewhat similar and I know you’ve travelled near this area. I hope you can settle this argument amongst my familiars because it’s really ripping us apart, this not-knowing.

Thanks,

A Fan.

Dear Phil Collins,

If you could describe your soul as an animal, what kind would it be, and why?

Yours Truly,

A Curious Fan

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