Dear Phil Collins,

I know it’s probably too late to get you into the one they’re making now, but what are the chances you won’t be approached to appear in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?”  I mean, pretty much every great British actor has appeared in at least one of these things.  It would be super awesome if they cast you as Grindelwald, the dark wizard and notoriously gay lover of teenage Dumbledore. 

I’m not crazy about you playing a bad guy, but that’s pretty much the only major role left that I can think of, and I’d hate to see you relegated to a measly background character or goblin.  Plus you’d get to wear a long, curly blonde wig which sounds like fun, doesn’t it?  The movie isn’t slated to come out unitl 2010 but you should get your agent on this immediately!  Don’t be a “Squib!”  Ha ha!

Signed (and sent by Owl),

Your “Muggle” Fan (who in no way resembles the character of Harry Potter or the actor Daniel Radcliffe whatsoever, thankyouverymuch)

>>>Also, don’t miss this touching alternate version<<<

Dear Phil Collins,

I’m sorry that I kind of had a meltdown at you yesterday.  It be’s that way sometime.  But you probably understand what it’s like to get fed up with a job — I mean, you’ve done all kinds of stuff like movies and charity work in addition to your solo pop career and that band Genesis which breaks up and reforms a lot.  I think it’s really cool that you’re a famous singer who plays piano and stuff, but that you used to be a pro drummer.  My friend Johnny says you should never let the drummer sing, but I think he’s wrong.  Levon Helm gets all kinds of hipster cred from rock critics even though you’re obviously way better looking than him.  Also, what’s more hipster-y than playing drums for Brian Eno?  I can’t think of anything.  I don’t mean to say that you’re not a good singer, but I suspect your many other incredible talents sometimes get overlooked by the MSM.

I also like your sense of humor.

Thanks for listening, I guess I don’t really have a question for you today, but it’s nice to know you’re there for me.  Stay solid.


Your Fan.