Dear Jonathan,

Thank you for all your kind words.  Only recently has your copious correspondence been brought to my attention.  Due to the high volume of fan mail I receive daily, a modest facility in Swindon has been established to handle and process all incoming.  Staffed by 307 war widows and invalids, it is quite infrequent that specific bits of mail are brought to my personal attention.  Somehow your letters made their way through middle management to upper-middle management to a minor record label executive to my tour manager and finally to my accountant, who saw fit to stash them inside a portfolio I recently found stuffed in my Swiss post office box.  Needless to say I am quite thrilled by your abundant enthusiasm and interest in my personal well being. 

To make up for lost time, here are a few quick answers to your more pressing inquiries:

(1) Yes.

(2) Perhaps, I’ll think about it.

(3) Maybe.

(4) A lovely gold heart-shaped pendant.

(5) Absolutely not.

(6) I’ll talk to my people and get back to you.

(7) Fourteen and a half.

(8) No.

Please keep in touch.  Someone has spoken to the foreman and it is hoped that your letters and packages will be expedited to my door.  I look forward to communicating with you at length about some of your fascinating ideas.