That Man Is Gone Now

Dear Phil Collins,

Somehow last week’s video post made it through our Snark filter, and for that I owe you my most humble apologies. This site is meant to celebrate and adore you, not criticize, belittle, or berate. Unfortunately we missed the fact that one of our authors is clearly better off at Haystack.com or some such outlet for the bitter and tragically hip. He has been duly sacked, and we shall strive to purge our staff of similar ne’r-do-wells, insurgents, and the otherwise undesirable. A hot startup such as ourselves must expect some bumps on the way to the top, which we will endeavor to squash, stamp, mow down, smooth out, etc. etc.

Certainly, fans of “Calling All Stations” will no longer be hired.

Thank you for your continuing patience, signed,

Jonathan Casey, Founder and General Manager, Dear Phil Ltd.

 

Waiting

Dear Phil Collins,

I can tell you’re mad.  I’ve been waiting for a new letter from you but your silence speaks volumes, or at least virtual paragraphs.  I’m sorry, Phil.  I know you’re probably exhausted right now since you wrapped your U.S. tour, but I think now is the perfect time to reach out to the many fans who did not have the opportunity to connect with you at a live concert.  Such as myself.

Maybe you didn’t have a chance to read my recent letters, but I suspect that you did, and you didn’t like what you saw, or thought you saw, or heard, or smelled, or maybe thought you smelled.  For that I am sorry. 

Phil, I would do anything to get back on your good side, just let me know what you need.  And if, somehow, in making up with me, that included a signed glossy photograph of yourself, well, that would be okay, too.

But honestly, I understand if it’s too early to start thinking about your next move, you probably want to take the next few months off to enjoy the holidays with whatever family you have left.  I get that.  But when you’re ready to take that next step, I’ll be right here, waiting for you.  Welcoming.  Supportive.  Eager.

In the meantime, I’m going to listen to your song “Misunderstanding” a lot of times, because that’s kind of how I feel right now.

Take care,

Still Your Fan.

 

Video of the Week: Illegal Alien

 

You’re (Not) An American Band

Dear Phil Collins,

I just have to stop for a moment and say “woah.”  I know I’ve been complaining a lot that the Genesis tour isn’t coming to Minnesota, but I’ve got to put things into perspective and give you guys some credit.  I mean, it is amazing that you brave British lads are touring this war torn, disaster-ravaged nation of America.  A nation, these United States of ours, which is currently ruled by an administration that views your fellow countryman Cat Stevens as a credible threat.  Cat Stevens!  The guy who sang “Peace Train!”  I mean, seriously.  It’s a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world, ain’t it?  Maybe it’s time for you guys to make another cutting political commentary with puppets.  Knock some sense back into us!

Thank you for coming to our country to spread your message of love and hope.  Just watch your backs, okay?

Keeping The Fire,

Your Admiring Fan.

 

Answers

Dear Phil Collins,

OMG!  I have been in complete shock since I got your letter last week.  I read it and re-read it over and over again until my thumbs bled.  And then right after I found out you’re releasing a Genesis 2007 Reunion Tour video!!!!  In hi-def!!!!!!!!!!!!  AAAAAARRRRRRGHHH!!!!!!!!!

As you can tell, I am quite excited about all of this.  Keep up the good work!

Rocking Out With More Resolution,

Your Ecstatic Fan.

P.S. I am already buying copies of “Turn It On Again: The Tour Edition” for all of my friends and family for Christmas.  If I can swing it, I’ll get my co-workers some, too.

 

Breakthrough: Phil Responds!

Dear Fan,

Thank you for your recent correspondence.  Though I am unable to reply to every individual fan letter I recieve, I wish to thank you for your kind words.  I am also pleased to announce the release of the Genesis hits collection “Turn It On Again: The Tour Edition,” available at your American Target stores.  Please purchase as many copies as you possibly can.

Best Wishes,

Philip David Charles Collins, Esq.

 

More Begging

Dear Phil Collins,

Have you heard of this band Of Montreal?  They’re, like, these nobodys from Canada who seem to come to my town every three months.  The only reason anyone’s even heard of them is because they did a TV commercial for meat.  If these losers can tour so much then why can’t Genesis come to Minnesota?  I know you’re probably putting on a huge show with giant puppets and lights and stuff but it’s not that hard to get here from Chicago, and we have at least two venues that are probably big enough to hold you and your legions of adoring fans.  Tony Banks’ sullen glare just doesn’t come across on video the way it does from 200 rows back.

Pretty please?

Longingly,

Your Upper Midwestern Fan

 

Renaissance Man

Dear Phil Collins,

I’m sorry that I kind of had a meltdown at you yesterday.  It be’s that way sometime.  But you probably understand what it’s like to get fed up with a job — I mean, you’ve done all kinds of stuff like movies and charity work in addition to your solo pop career and that band Genesis which breaks up and reforms a lot.  I think it’s really cool that you’re a famous singer who plays piano and stuff, but that you used to be a pro drummer.  My friend Johnny says you should never let the drummer sing, but I think he’s wrong.  Levon Helm gets all kinds of hipster cred from rock critics even though you’re obviously way better looking than him.  Also, what’s more hipster-y than playing drums for Brian Eno?  I can’t think of anything.  I don’t mean to say that you’re not a good singer, but I suspect your many other incredible talents sometimes get overlooked by the MSM.

I also like your sense of humor.

Thanks for listening, I guess I don’t really have a question for you today, but it’s nice to know you’re there for me.  Stay solid.

Inevitably,

Your Fan.

 

Work

Dear Phil Collins,

Sometimes my job makes me feel like a crazy person!  Management is like a load on my back – there’s too many of them, and they’re making too many problems.  I get more responsibility piled on me, with no increase in pay, and nary an accolade.  As a result I’m increasingly exhausted and confused – it’s got me so that I just can’t sleep.  I don’t have the energy to make use of what little creativity I have left, and I need to escape before they suck that last drop out of me.  Phil, I’ll do anything, anything, if you’ll just help get me out of here. 

Urgently Yours,

A Fan.

 

What Is It Good For?

Dear Phil,

As a noted public figure who has written and recorded at least eight number one hits, your feelings about current world events are probably constantly sought out. Your fans in America, of course, have a lot of different feelings about the military conflicts in the Middle East (more specifically, between the Tigris and Euphrates). Some of those feelings include: angry, sad, proud, confused, worried, irritated, cautious, bitter, bored, resentful, apathetic, unhappy, gleeful, jealous, lustful, and zesty. Some citizens believe that the smoking gun shouldn’t have been a mushroom cloud, while others marvel at the ability of the administration to make believe that there was a gun hiding there at all (while there were plenty of other guns waving around in plain sight). I know you’re a big supporter of animal rights, but I haven’t heard where you come down on this issue. I don’t want to get bogged down in politics, here, but let’s just say if you were to have a “Dixie Chicks incident” on your current tour with Genesis that I would support you (and someone would probably make a movie of it). Also, I think it would be great if you led by example and made peace with Peter Gabriel, although from what I’ve heard that’s really his fault. Take Care.

(Peace &) Love,

A Fan